Assassin’s Creed 3 Review


Assassin’s Creed III should have been named, ‘MERICA! Bald Eagles N’ Patriotism: The Game, on account of its high-octane freedom fighting adventures.

When playing this game, one can’t help but sing along to the lyrics to a fairly infamous Team America song, while murdering Redcoats and Templars, all in the name of freedom, apple pie and the American way. What makes it worse, is that the game seems to be completely cognizant of this fact.

When Connor assassinates a key target, a cut scene begins, where both party explains their perspective. Only, regardless of who he’s talking to, the pattern is the same: the victim backs up his perspective and actions with reason and logic, whereas Connor, bordering on levels of irony that only Stephen Colbert could match, always responds the same way, “b-b-but freedom!”

It’s almost as if they’re trying to appeal to both audiences; providing a story line that pumps out more blind patriotism than the tea party, while being so over the top (in a bad way) that the rest of us can’t help but laugh and mock the supposed target audience for liking it.

The problem is, not even PETA likes bald eagles enough to enjoy the story, while the writing isn’t smart enough to make the irony work. Instead, you just end up playing as a childish character who commits mass murder over infantile ideals.

If I’m going to be playing as a mass murdering psychopath, I’d at least like to be doing it under the pretense of something awesome, like obtaining skulls for the skull throne, or blood for the blood god.

Continuing on the patriotic express, Assassin’s Creed III somehow managed to rewrite history in a way that caused me to exclaim an audible guffaw at many, if not all of its exploits. Throwing crates of tea off boats in the Boston Harbor was humorous.

Giving Paul Revere a piggy back ride on your horse, while you warned everyone that the British were coming, was irritating. However, when the game cuts to a scene where Connor was hanging out with the Founding Fathers, while they signed the Declaration of Independence, implying that he helped them write it, was downright insulting.

Honestly, to this day, I still don’t even know what’s more insulting about that, the horrendous writing, the perversion of history, or the fact that they thought anyone would actually enjoy such a storyline.

I’m not even going to touch the Desmond story arc, for fear that my brain might suddenly start hemorrhaging uncontrollably. Although, there was one redeemable fact about that story line; the sweet taste of irony derived from an interview with Alex Hutchinson, the creative director of Assassin’s Creed III.

Yeah. Just think about how many Japanese games are released where their stories are literally gibberish. Literally gibberish. There’s no way you could write it with a straight face, and the journalists say ‘oh it is brilliant.

Then Gears of War comes out and apparently it’s the worst written narrative in a game ever. I’ll take Gears of War over Bayonetta any time.

It’s patronizing to say, “oh those Japanese stories, they don’t really mean what they’re doing.

I just think the simple question should be; is the story any good?

Unfortunately, the rest of the game was just as confusing as the story. Little to nothing was explained about the game and anything that was explained was either done poorly or inadequately.

The new combat system, which was one of the few good things about the game, was almost directly ripped from Arkham City (a game that I love). However, AC3 forgot to do what Arkham City did so well: explaining how to counter specific targets, while making those targets very visible.

It’s easy to understand how to change your combat style when fighting a guy with a big shield, or a tazer that illuminates the darkness of night with a very visible intensity.

In Assassin’s Creed III, the different troops are only identifiable by slight changes in their outfits that are hard to notice, especially when you’re fighting a screen full of enemies all wearing the same vibrant colors.

You’ll find the combat to be frustrating, unless you’re part of a revolutionary war re-enactment. Otherwise expect to learn the intricacies of battle through a process of trial and error (mostly error). The brilliance of Arkham City’s combat was in how fluid it was.

Racking up 100+ hit combos was fairly easy because there were no complex move sets, and you knew how to properly engage every opponent. You get that same exact feeling in AC3; it just takes a lot of frustrating encounters to get to that point.

The feeling is perhaps even better in AC3, because of the way Connor slays his enemies with a certain elegance that is fairly reminiscent of the choreography found in the latest urban teen dance movie (playing in theaters near you), once you’ve mastered the combat system.

In retrospect, the combat system and how the developers treated it, probably represents how you’re supposed to experience the entire game – exploring it slowly, over a very long period of time.

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By Will Benson

Will is our resident review-master, and it's him who writes most of the reviews you'll have read on our site. With his ancient knowledge of the secret review-fu arts, be sure that all the reviews you see on SegmentNext are thoroughly checked out.

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