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Phantom Squad Wants to Ruin Christmas By Making Me Socialize

Ah, it’s that time of the year again. Snow, Christmas trees, Christmas trees with snow, and the ever-present Jingle-Bells tune playing on a distant TV or cellphone.

What better time to sit back, relax, and socialize with your beloved PS4 and/or Xbox One, right? Last year many of us were deprived of that, forced to sit with those folks people term as ‘family and friends.’ It was all them hackers’ fault. PlayStation Network and Xbox Live were hit hard in Christmas 2014 by a group that called itself the Lizard Squad, and everything we loved came to an end… for 72 hours.

They managed to deprive the good geeks and nerds three entire days without any PSN or Xbox Live access, as their distributed denial of service (DDoS) attacks wrecked Sony and Microsoft’s servers. Your evil family members probably praised them in their hearts for having forced you out of your room. Sad, right?

Now, another set of hackers is hell-bent on making us video-gamers socialize! We’re being threatened once again to forcefully turn off our beloved consoles and sit down with chatter-boxes who ask us generic questions like how we are and comment on the weather every twenty minutes. We’re to wear Santa Clause hats and pretend to have fun while people we call family distribute boxes of presents – none of which include awesome videogames or gaming gadgets.

The ones responsible for this threat are a new group of hackers (or perhaps the same ones?) called Phantom Squad.

These group of dark Santa Clauses are threatening to take down PSN and Xbox Live for an entire week after Christmas – that’s an eternity in a videogamer’s book (when he/she isn’t playing games)! Oh, the horrors!

Now, we’ll be forced to sit by the fire (unless you have central heating) and make small talk with old grumpy folks for a week, listening to their tales of how cellphones were once actually used only for making calls in ancient Rome or something. It’s as if Christmas eve dinner with family and friends wasn’t torturous enough!

Now we look up to our saviors Sony and Microsoft, hoping they’ve learned for yester-year’s hacking incidents and have upped their cyber-security. The lives of gamer geeks depend on it. Oh, great Kazuo Hirai-san and Sir Phil Spencer, save us from these bloodthirsty carrion birds!

Our notorious Lord Kim Dotcom came to the rescue last year with his beer-filled, 20-ounce pint glass and fedora to fend off Phantom Squad with an offer that was hard to refuse (who wouldn’t yield to 3,000 free vouchers for Mega?), but it’s unlikely that our caped Kiwi crusader will display his altruism this time around.

Take this article of despair as warning, fellow videogamers! Stack up on as many endless mobile games, supplies of Ramen noodles, and grab onto your favorite Kratos action-figure for dear life. Prepare for a week of miserable socializing, agonistic small talk, and the old-world concept of ‘fun,’ as Phantom Squad attempt to ruin our lives (for 7 days)!

This article is blatant satire. If you actually needed Captain Obvious even for this one, then we truly feel sorry for you.